What to Say to Someone Who Just Lost a Loved One

I just lost my sweet husband of 25 years. He endured seven years of horrible sickness from chemo, and then death, gasping for air. 

Many people are not sure what to say when, for one reason or another, I have to mention that he just died. 

I've been often asked what I wish people would say. And I'm an overly emotional person, so people figure that if I like something said, and that saying that won't put me into hysterics of sobbing, then they'll be able to safely use that comment for anyone. 

Here's what I think is best to say (and in my bereavement groups, virtually every attendee has agreed with this):

My favorite spoken comment is always either “I’m so sorry,” or “My condolences." 

Those phrases are short, they get the point across, they don’t trigger sad memories, and they are what the bereaved expects to hear, and will usually reply, “Thank you” or “Thank you. It’s ok.” Or “I appreciate that.” 

Anything else you might say, creative or meant to go deeper, may be intrusive to a bereaved person. 

The exception, of course, is when you write an extended statement in a card. There, speak your heart. Say anything except to speak of horrors. I've never been offended by any card in which someone has written more than just a phrase.

But I'm talking about what to say in public or to a stranger in a quick exchange. 

Bereaved persons have to work hard to control their intense emotions and pain in public, especially speaking to another person (i.e. they don’t want to burst into tears), and they don’t want digging questions or questions that force them to think hard about the death. 

The shortest and quickest way you can get the statement of respect and compassion out, the better for the sad person. 

If the bereaved wants to talk more, they will (and often I'll add a comment, depending on the situation) but that should be their move, because some days, a sad person is balanced about as well as a house of cards on a sailboat, and it takes so little to upset them again. 

If the bereaved does, however, say more, just respond mildly and say whatever you wish, as long as it is not harsh. They may want to have a brief back-and-forth, and you may be gifting them by allowing them a sort of conversation. Don't worry: it will be a short conversation.

For example, I'll sometimes mention to a young person, after this initial exchange, that my husband died from tobacco use. My reason is to leave a message with the young person that taking the tobacco gamble is identical to playing Russian roulette. You lose? You snooze.

Recently, I spoke to a young repairman along these lines after he said, "Is this account information still correct?" and I said, "No. My husband's name should be removed. He died." 

The young man said, "I'm so sorry." 

I said, "Thank  you, it's okay." 

Then, hoping to save a life, I added, "He died from tobacco use." 

The man said, "Smoking?" 

"Yes. Smoking and chewing, even though he was a professor. So don't ever use tobacco thinking you'll beat the odds. That's what he thought." 

He said, "I won't." 

Then, having planted my little didactic seed, I quickly changed the subject to let him off the hook, as he would probably feel pressure wondering if he should say more. 

I give that true example only to show what a short conversation may be like if the bereaved speaks again after accepting your brief acknowledgment of the loss. 

I have a lot of experience with deaths of extremely close family members. My father was murdered when I was 12, my first husband died alone, my 2nd husband died with me at his bedside. 

And I remember nearly every single person who ever said those quick words.

I remember even cashiers, or repairmen who have said it. Even where I was standing when another 7th grader first said it to me when my dad died and bereavement was new to me. 

In fact, in those days, it was I who didn't know how to respond. I had to ask my mother what to say when a classmate said, "I'm sorry about your dad." I learned to say simply, "Thank you."

If you've not said it in the past, don't worry. People understand the awkwardness. I now have enough experience to realize that if someone says nothing (like a customer service agent on the phone who asks if the billing has changed and hears that a partner just died), I have compassion on that, because I know they simply had no idea what to say and felt embarrassed. 

I think the reason those words carry such weight is because a bereaved hungers to be connected to the rest of the world, as they feel so alone and lost and in a new role in society. 

So for even a total stranger to say those words, short as they are, makes the bereaved feel, “I still belong to the world. I lost my beloved, but the world CARES and cares about me enough to say that. They understand my pain. I feel that I belong and that I am understood.” 

All of that actually enters my mind when anyone says even those very short phrases. 

So stick with the minimum.

It’s small, but it's huge. And it's right.